My sisters and I all journeyed to the oncologist office today with our mom. Journeyed, because we knew what was going to be told to us and it was a long way to go.
From here to there,
from October until today...
from diagnosis to where we are now.
It feels like another life ago, October 2010, an easier time--- maybe without the technicolor of the good times right now, but definitely without the depth of sorrow that these days hold. My mom has a very rare and freak type of cancer that is not being affected by any of the chemicals they are pumping in to her body. It keeps growing and spreading. It has grown through her chemotherapy AND her radiation treatments. It is in her lungs now and the doctor's words today were "Best case scenario is a year, and that is for 10% of patients". THUD
October feels like another life ago. I look to the future and don't really know how this is all going to settle out. I just realized in that office today that there are no guarantees--- we can look out a week, and then when we get there, we can look out another week, that is it. She seems not too bad right now. She has a cute, curly, short hair-do and a tan, but she is soooo tired and her left arm and hand are numb. I have to help her buckle her seatbelt and adjust her pants' waistband for her. How bad is it going to get? How fast is it going to be? Will she be this way for a longer time or shorter time? There is no formula for me to apply to this problem, no pattern, I can figure out and then adjust to. Rationally, I am there, I get it. Emotionally, it is my mom's existence that we are talking about and I am NOT there yet.
So I started my summer series sampler this week-- Each block has very specific parameters, cutting instructions, clear tutorials--- My only job is to cut my favorite fabrics and sew them back together. To start something, make something new from pieces-- that is about all I can handle right now.
I appreciate your prayers for her. My mom's name is Amira.