Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Something started...

The children are all in their beds (Please let them be asleep!) Big Daddy will be returning from Israel in only 3 more sleeps (I can't wait!) and I have almost made it through THIS day.
My sisters and I all journeyed to the oncologist office today with our mom. Journeyed, because we knew what was going to be told to us and it was a long way to go.
From here to there,
from October until today...
from diagnosis to where we are now.

It feels like another life ago, October 2010, an easier time--- maybe without the technicolor of the good times right now, but definitely without the depth of sorrow that these days hold. My mom has a very rare and freak type of cancer that is not being affected by any of the chemicals they are pumping in to her body. It keeps growing and spreading. It has grown through her chemotherapy AND her radiation treatments. It is in her lungs now and the doctor's words today were "Best case scenario is a year, and that is for 10% of patients". THUD

October feels like another life ago. I look to the future and don't really know how this is all going to settle out. I just realized in that office today that there are no guarantees--- we can look out a week, and then when we get there, we can look out another week, that is it. She seems not too bad right now. She has a cute, curly, short hair-do and a tan, but she is soooo tired and her left arm and hand are numb. I have to help her buckle her seatbelt and adjust her pants' waistband for her. How bad is it going to get? How fast is it going to be? Will she be this way for a longer time or shorter time? There is no formula for me to apply to this problem, no pattern, I can figure out and then adjust to. Rationally, I am there, I get it. Emotionally, it is my mom's existence that we are talking about and I am NOT there yet.

So I started my summer series sampler this week-- Each block has very specific parameters, cutting instructions, clear tutorials--- My only job is to cut my favorite fabrics and sew them back together. To start something, make something new from pieces-- that is about all I can handle right now.

I appreciate your prayers for her. My mom's name is Amira.
JMB

14 comments:

Terri Fogarty said...

I can only imagine how hard this is. We love you and are thinking of you all. Keep up your work; it helps.
Love, Terri

Clare said...

Oh Jessica. I've added your Mum to my thoughts list.

One day at a time.

Tonya Ricucci said...

hang in there. wish i lived closer so i could give you a hug, even though you hate hugs.

Denise said...

Ohhh dear Jessica, I will pray for you all!!

stitchinpenny said...

I will pray for all of you because cancer is not usually a solitary journey.

Brooke said...

Sweet Jessica. I'm so sorry. We've dealt with a lot of cancer in my family so I know how much it stinks. BUT, you can do this. She can do this. Even though "this" isn't something that you want to be doing. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs from Utah.

Laurie Parrack said...

I understand what you are going through. We just lost my mother-in-law in September to cancer. It was fast. She was diagnosed in October the year before. It only took one year before she was gone out of our lives. It is still hard today to talk about it. I will send lots of love and prayers your way. Hopefully they find something to help. Keep your chin up and I will be thinking of your family.

woolywoman said...

so sorry. it is always hard. some days maybe only think about the next moment. some days think a whole week ahead.

Rebecca Huffman said...

Thanks for the post sister. Cry AND coughing is just lovely. Can't wait to spend time with you this weekend. Dan and Aubrey might be around too. Love you.

kat8eyes said...

Cancer F-ing sucks. I hope you guys are enjoying the time you get to spend together, as much as I hate the reason that is behind it. My love to you all, even that Molly-girl about whom I've only heard!

Judy B said...

I don't know how I landed on your site but felt I had to write.

First, my name is ... Judy Masters Barber. So, the JMB got to me as that is what I write down repeatedly on "things."

Second, so, so sorry about your mother. I have just gone through the trials of chemo and radiation with my best friend and my daughter-in-law and now another very good friend has gone to Louisana for her cancer surgery (she has kind that does not respond to chemo but it is slow growing). It is just a nasty disease and we only don't want our loved ones to suffer.

So glad that you have quilting to somewhat take your mind to a calming place.

JMB

Michele Bilyeu said...

I am holding this special and unique lady, in my heart and in my prayers. My mother moved from Alaska to live with me for 9 months of advanced inflammatory breast cancer. She beat all her odds after chemo, mastectomy, and radiation. Two years later she had Alzheimer's Disease and now 4 years after that she barely knows who we are. Live is so very fragile and so filled with uncertainties. She knows you love her with all your hearts and this special time will be yours, with her, forever. Time is truly relative to where we are and how we are every moment, moment to moment. I lost my father last Fall but he was 93. Life is always a transition from one state of being to another, Jessica. Simply be in this time..with your family and her. That's all she really wants from all of you right now. Many blessings, many prayers.

Dorothy said...

Jessica
It is Dorothy, I just wanted to Thank you for the fantastic needlecase, I could not find your email so I thought I would check out your blog. So sorry to hear about your moms cancer, my mom had cancer, all I can say is enjoy every minute you have with her - you won't have any regrets. And you will be amazed at how strong you are thru this.
Take care of yourself
Dorothy

Deanna said...

Dear sweet Jessica,
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Cherish each and every moment you have together. It seems we are torn apart from those we love all too soon. Your Mom is very blessed to have such a daughter as you. Take care.