I have so much to say...how will it all come out?
I don't even know, I feel like everything has been oozing out the edges lately. Because, I think, I have been stoppering up the creative fountain....and it has to come out somewhere. I have been missing the ol' blog, but sometimes the words aren't there. Sometimes you have to be quiet, sometimes your camera breaks, and sometimes you just don't know where to start.
Let's start here:
1) I really hate cancer, just hate it. I don't like it when it happens to people I don't know, but then I just really hate it when it happens close to me too. I hate that doctors don't have the answers, just best guesses. That I am old enough now to know that, OK, I have known it for a while. I hate that the unknown brings up so many questions about the known. I find it difficult to deal with the ways that others around me deal with their feelings and it is different from my way of dealing...I know that this is OBVIOUS, but I am always right, why can't people see this??
I have been thinking a lot about death and life. I have come to the conclusion that you can't really prepare for death and that FOR ME, I need to just live in the moment of life. Simply put, people are only in your life for as long as they are going to be, SO I am just going to appreciate what is happening right NOW, and live LIFE. I am strong enough to deal with death, so I am going to use that energy when it is necessary. I am not going to waste my strength by thinking that I know when death is coming and getting ready for it. I have wasted many hours, probably days, preparing myself for catastrophes that have yet to visit me. The only thing I have gained from these worries are 2 grumpy furrows that bisect my otherwise flawless forehead.
So this is me living and moving on.
My friend Beth started chemotherapy this week. She met up with some doctors in Texas and they came up with a plan. She is hopeful and I am following her lead. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers they have been a buoy to her spirit and mine.
2) I was feeling really low the other day and decided that I needed to just sit down and quilt... whether I felt up to it or not. I was listening to the Creative Mom Podcast #126, which I really like, and there was a song by Joshua Kadison featured on it. I have heard this song before and thought "nice", but for some reason this project I was working on, my chair quilt, the words to the song, and the desert I had been feeling internally...The words to "Sanctuary" really spoke to me.
Sounded like an angel singing somewhere.
Sounded like an angel singing,
Let me be your sanctuary.
Let me be your sanctuary.
When you cannot find the light
of your own shining star
I will (let me) help you to remember
who you truly are.
who you truly are.
Let me be your sanctuary."
This chair quilt, when I started it, I was thinking about all the times that I just want to sit down and take a rest, find some time for myself. It is a momma's chair. I had such a hard time finding time to work on it that I finally started getting up at 6 so that I could work on it. I put all of my favorite tiny scraps in it, some kitty fabric from a swap friend, funny round-faced symphony men, some errant strawberries. I loved piecing it all together. It is a vacation chair.
I think I stopped quilting it when Christmas presents needed to be finished and entertaining needed to happen. Other things came up...you all know the drill, I put it away. Things for yourself can always be put aside for later, right? Maybe not.
Finishing it Saturday, in the depths of the 5th (?) cold of the season, I was giddy with excitement and so glad that I made time for myself again. I was a much nicer wife and mom that day. I really need to remember that the MAKING is a place I need to be often. I am sure that I have written about this before, and I know that I will write it again. For me the Creation and the Making are resting places for me, safe places, the place that my most genuine self lives. TAKE NOTE SELF!!! Remember, remember, remember....
(here is a blast from the past, 1/1/2008)
3) For the capper today...
(I even have more, but this seems like a nice ending for today.)
Currently, we are a family of four and a mango... come September we will be a "Table for 5, please!"
Yes, my fatigue and some of the ups and downs of late are all due to the precious little mango growing in my belly....bigger and bigger everyday. We are all very excited, the boys are SUPER excited... I am kind of in shock (this was expected and my sweet husband says that I felt this way the last 2 times too.) but I just can't stop thinking about "Who the heck is this person coming to live with us??" "I hope they fit in with all of our weirdness...." and "WELCOME!"
That is me today, what is new with all of you??