I am just coming off of the Birthday/Valentine's day marathon. Big Daddy turned 35 last Tuesday. We had a joint "Spy" birthday party on Saturday for Brownie and a classmate (If they want to invite the whole class, I TOTALLY recommend teaming up with another family for a party). Sunday, we all loved each other and thought that being together and hiking in the mud was the best way to share our love. Closing out the insanity with Brownie's 7th birthday yesterday--- Yes, I am a momma of a 7 year old AND a 7 year old momma myself.
I thought a lot, during the day, as I was running hither and yon about what it felt like then to be entering the mysterious world of motherhood and then what it feels like today being the momma of 3 beautiful children. I remember the whole night that I was in labor with Brownie. I would have contractions and think "Is this the real thing?" and now I know that the birth is really just the beginning of the real thing, and the real thing is this crazy life that we are all making together. I see now all the roles that each one of us plays in our family, even little Mango. Not one of us could exist in a vacuum, that our family unit is unique to us and is and can be what we make it.
I thought during that first pregnancy how Big Daddy and I would raise our children and teach them about the world and what it is to be here and live. I did not understand that the learning and teaching would be equally shared among all of us parents and kiddos. I did not appreciate that a child would be growing and maturing in our home as well as a parent. I am so happy to say that I realize that now.
The last 7 years have taught me how much I don't know, but that I can learn what I need to. I was always worried that I would love my kids conditionally, because I can feel miserly with my affection at times. But after seeing clementines smeared all over our sunroom and feeling such a rage at the waste, I looked at those boys and thought--I love these kids, I am mad, someday they are going to do something worse than this and I will get mad, but I am still going to love them. It may sound simple or silly but it was like the veil had lifted, it was a defining momma moment for me.
My hair is far grayer after these 7 years, but my heart is lighter. I see more good in the world than I did 7 years ago. Seeing people step outside of their "grown-up" personas to smile or make a joke with my kids restores my soul....
I am just too full up at the moment.
Let me just leave it with, we had some happy birthdays this week and I am plum tuckered out!