I am putting it together with some urgency-- because it is concrete and I can figure out an answer to it. This past week we had to go to another one of those "uh-oh" oncology appointments--- I knew it was going to be dreadful. What made it The Worst for me this time, was that the bad news didn't rip out the rug from under my feet-- it was that I expected how bad it was going to be and that is the "normal" for us now.
Cancer is just feeling like this grey cloud that is always with us now, and will always be with us. It will. Sometimes I just want to go back to before. Before I felt this urgency to stop putting off things, where I felt like EVERY holiday maybe wasn't the last-- before.
But then, would I have pulled off the road after the appointment? Would I have pulled off the road and got out of the car and sat in this HUGE yellow field and listened to the bees? I just don't know. I do feel like I value all that I have learned since my mom's diagnosis-- I value the time that it has allowed me to spend with her, that I have had to carve out of the craziness that has been our life in 2011. I value the closeness that I have with my sisters. I have a deep gratitude for that. But if someone mentions the "Gift of Cancer" to me again, I think I will scream! I think we could have made to where we are now without this grey cloud.
If you do ever have the chance, stop and listen to the bees. It feels like Life.