Saturday, May 21, 2011

Yup, it is about Cancer-- but there is a quilt!!

By night I have been working on my EMQG bee quilt. I love it. I love to puzzle a way to put the pieces together. I like that you can take the work of 9 friends and have it make sense.


I am putting it together with some urgency-- because it is concrete and I can figure out an answer to it. This past week we had to go to another one of those "uh-oh" oncology appointments--- I knew it was going to be dreadful. What made it The Worst for me this time, was that the bad news didn't rip out the rug from under my feet-- it was that I expected how bad it was going to be and that is the "normal" for us now.

Cancer is just feeling like this grey cloud that is always with us now, and will always be with us. It will. Sometimes I just want to go back to before. Before I felt this urgency to stop putting off things, where I felt like EVERY holiday maybe wasn't the last-- before.

But then, would I have pulled off the road after the appointment? Would I have pulled off the road and got out of the car and sat in this HUGE yellow field and listened to the bees? I just don't know. I do feel like I value all that I have learned since my mom's diagnosis-- I value the time that it has allowed me to spend with her, that I have had to carve out of the craziness that has been our life in 2011. I value the closeness that I have with my sisters. I have a deep gratitude for that. But if someone mentions the "Gift of Cancer" to me again, I think I will scream! I think we could have made to where we are now without this grey cloud.

If you do ever have the chance, stop and listen to the bees. It feels like Life.
JMB

8 comments:

Lily Boot said...

The quilt is looking beautiful. As is the lovely view. I am so sorry for the terrible times you have experienced this year and often think of you and your mum and family. And I really empathise with your frustration over the "gifts of cancer" - it doesn't make you feel at ALL better. Keep relishing that love xxx

Tonya Ricucci said...

I'm sorry. Hang in there.

Sujata said...

Hang in there! Yes, good advise on stop and look, smell and listen.. Live in the moment.

Alexis said...

Bees! I can almost smell the fullness of that moment in your photo. Sometimes we're just putting one foot in front of the other in life, but you're creating and sharing so much beauty while you're doing it! Take care xoxox

*karendianne. said...

Just couldn't let this post go by without reaching out and letting you know I was here. I read your post. I enjoyed your quilt and I am listening to you and imagining the sound of the bee's. You're in my thoughts. Warmly, *karendianne.

kat8eyes said...

F that! And F to cancer, as well. Can I do anything, anything at all?

Lindsey said...

I love your bee photo...

Kwiltz by Stephanie said...

I hear you! Very powerful. Thank you for sharing.