This post started just as a way to move myself forward. Forward to where, I am not quite sure, but forward. I looked for pictures to post for today on my laptop... and realized that I have been uploading the new ones to the new mac mini. That means the pictures on this computer are all pictures of before. Before, before before... So much has happened in the last two months. I feel like I have lived a lifetime. The sweetness, the bitterness, the laughter, and the tears-- there has been so many of each that it baffles me that I am not just lying on the floor dehydrated and rocking in a fetal curl.
Looking back, memory all seems fuzzy, but the feeling is sharp. Some days it is a sun shining in my face (there is a chill in the air) and my sister says to me "Jessi, doesn't feel like we are in Maui?!" Then we walk through the sunlight to the car and make our way to the church to set up our mom's memorial. Other days it is a labor to shower and dress and then all I want to do is climb in to the DVD world of Mango's 9/5/11 birthday. The boys talked my mom in to be the "singer" for a game of musical chairs. I missed the game because I was inside cooking, but in the movie, my mom is just outside the field of view singing the theme songs to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and the "Emperor's March from Star Wars" as the boys laugh and skip around the chairs. I know you all are wondering... the game was a tie.
Looking back, memory all seems fuzzy, but the feeling is sharp. Some days it is a sun shining in my face (there is a chill in the air) and my sister says to me "Jessi, doesn't feel like we are in Maui?!" Then we walk through the sunlight to the car and make our way to the church to set up our mom's memorial. Other days it is a labor to shower and dress and then all I want to do is climb in to the DVD world of Mango's 9/5/11 birthday. The boys talked my mom in to be the "singer" for a game of musical chairs. I missed the game because I was inside cooking, but in the movie, my mom is just outside the field of view singing the theme songs to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and the "Emperor's March from Star Wars" as the boys laugh and skip around the chairs. I know you all are wondering... the game was a tie.My mom was so worried that these kids would not remember her because they are so young. How could you forget someone who sings a Star Wars theme song for musical chairs? How? I just want to crawl into the screen and lay my head on her good shoulder, to pat her fuzzy hair. I want to laugh with them and feel the heat of that September evening.
Coming back to the computer today was prompted by this post. Thank you Soulemama. This was my 10 minutes today. I don't know that feel better as writing, for me, sets me in the middle of the muddle that is my self right now. But the effort is worth something and it is a move forward.
JMB
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5 comments:
Continue sharing the good thoughts because it will make it less painful to think about her.
It's nice to see you posting.. your memories of your mom made me laugh and smile. I needed that today! Thanks for sharing...
Keep sharing your memories. It will help.
<3
Lovely memories, so glad you shared the one about the musical chairs. Your mom just sounds like such a neat person!
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