Monday, April 04, 2011

PNCA workshop with Lizzy House!


Can I say now that I went to Art School?? It was only for a long weekend, but I did... I went to Art School, to learn about some art, to DO some ART.
I don't know what I was expecting, what I wanted out of the time in Portland... Time to myself, away from motherly and daughterly responsibilities, a break from cancer, to hang out with my soon to be Pharmacist sister (Pharmasister?), to learn to silkscreen. Those were REALLY my expectations. What I received was VASTLY larger that these things. I don't really understand the magnitude of what happened in my brain, but I know that I am not the same person I was. There are still tears when I think of it, but I do know that I need to dream bigger.

To DREAM really, really BIG.

I have been trying for so many years to fit inside of this box-- it is reeel reeel cozy in here, I know all of the dimensions of it. I have decked it out very nicely with limits involving who I am, what I am capable of doing, and who I most definitely am NOT. It is comfortable but so very small.
My box is kept small because I can control that. I know that. I don't like to fail. That is so BAD. I don't like to get messy or to do things that I am not good at, and all this fits nicely in my little box.
So how to you get good at something unless you try it?

Like you have an ABSOLUTELY great time making something and it is total crap. What then? Is that failing? What you produced is U-G-L-Y-- like REALLY bad, BUT the process was enchanting? What is to be done with that? Did you waste your time? Is that failure?
What if the next morning, you wake up and you find that you are thinking in new ways, getting new ideas... feeling REALLY jazzed about the opportunity to make something that is NOT going to be perfect? What then?
You can just decide to stop thinking about the end product and begin to really get in to the "ride"... how ever long this crazy ride is going to last, what if you just go?
I did, I do, and I am...
I am here, at home-- there are LOT'S of home-y things that I have to take care of here (like really A LOT.) But in my head, I am still there. The ride hasn't ended. I still can see the possibility that is available to me if I just stop trying to see the end product.
If I can just keep the voice of fear at bay-- the voice that has haunted me my whole life saying "keep it small Jessica, think about what the effort is going to merit in the end. Are the rewards going to outweigh the energy output? What if you try as hard as you can and you just fail, like it is all for nothing?"
"What if you just FAIL and it is all for NOTHING?"
What I understand now is that I have found my self, who I really am, in the PROCESS,
and no matter what my end product is, if the ink smudges, if the fabric rips, if I have to tear out the seams, if nobody wants to read what I have to write...
That is just OK with me. I still am where I need to be at this moment because I am doing the learning/designing/growing/making that I need to do. There is no fear for me in that. I am dreaming bigger.
I do want to thank Lizzy for the great experience, I have never spent 3 days in a row on ART before. It blew my mind. She is so open with her knowledge and is a great teacher. You all need to learn what she has to teach, I'm tellin' you!
JMB

9 comments:

Denise said...

Awesome Jessica...both your growing and learning...just awesome. We all NEED moments like this, it is so easy to live in our nice boxes...I like mine perhaps too much.

Kwiltz by Stephanie said...

WOW! Thanks for sharing!! What a great inspirationfull blog! Good for you! I too recognize the fear. Your blog left me smiling at your courage.

Lily Boot said...

HUGE SIGH! Your prints looks absolutely wonderful! Oh screen printing fabric - I have always wanted to do this. I'm so glad you had a lovely creative weekend away - just what you needed :-) Now you must keep screen printing because there's something really great there!

Kristin Shields said...

Sounds wonderful Jessica! I agree with many of your sentiments and I definitely think it's worth it!

emily ruth said...

so awesome!!!!
i sure do love you & your new attitude
(now i have pointer sisters in my head)
you are quite incredible & i can't wait to see what the future holds for you & your amazing talents...

:)

Tonya Ricucci said...

fantastic!!! so happy, positive, and trying new things. woohoo!

Amy said...

Just getting around to seeing this post -- it was SO AWESOME to have you in class that weekend, along with all the other great people. Your post pretty much sums up why I keep going back for these classes -- it's my yearly kick in the pants!

Diane said...

“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?” Robert Browmimg

Rebecca K. said...

I am so glad you had such an inspired weekend. NEXT time, less worky-worky and more happy fun time with the pharmasister. I miss you so much. I want to go back to Miyamoto for more sushi...