Saturday, July 28, 2007

In a state of confliction, 3 cheers...

Access to my creative outlet (my supplies and whatnot) has been somewhat limited the last few months. I am surprised at how frustrating that is, I think because I felt like I made a commitment to my creative self to create more and now it is
Is it really?
Or are my "usual" avenues just the constricted ones?
Maybe I should investigate the "un-usual" ones...
I spent some time with a note book this past week. Me, a pen, some paper and a bit of time. It was hard at first, because I am always so focused on a finished product, that I sometimes discount or downplay the preparation or planning time for things. I just let myself write and "dirty" the pages with thoughts or ideas that may or may not have been fully formed. I felt so refreshed afterwards and now, I have something to refer to when my mommy-brain fuzziness returns and I can't remember that "great idea" I had when I have the time to explore it.

I did get to spend a glorious few days last week (ANNIVERSARY TRIP!) with my husband, sans bambinos, it was wonderful, and also awakening. I think that I realized in my core that we are no longer the people that we were 10 years ago. Maybe not the biggest revelation for others, but I still feel like I am teenager in many ways and so it surprised me to find myself so totally happy to be who I am now. (OK, maybe not in all the small ways, but the ways that actually matter, yes I am pretty great!)

I realized that, while it was nice for my husband and I to get away, after a day we both really ached for our kids. Not because they give us something to "bridge" our relationship now, but because they are such an integral part of the "us" now.

They are a new a great reason for me to look at my husband and feel so thankful that he is capable of fathering our children so amazingly. That in these two boys I can see that hope, change, and grace are possible. There is going to be a day when my boys will be ready to tackle things without my constant ministrations, but right now they are here with us and we are here with them and it is more right than I could have ever dreamed while I was growing up.
Three Cheers for growing up!
Here's to change!
Here's to the Grace that helps you accept it all and yourself!


emilyruth said...

i loved you as a teenager
& i love you now...

great thoughts, my dear

Yaz and Rob said...

You are sooooo with my mode. I was thinking that one of the most initimate things a couple can experience is raising your kids together.